God... how badly did your heart break?

I couldn't move.

As she continued, the knots inside me got tighter. My body was numb.

She said he was on top of her. She could hardly breathe. Yes, she liked him, but she gave no consent. Over and over again she said no, but he didn't listen. She laid there helpless on the floor in her own dorm room while he greedily stripped from her what she wanted to hold longer.

Thankfully, she had enough courage to report what happened after a few days.

His punishment? He wasn't allowed to go into her dorm for a semester.

What happened months later? Two thousand people signed a petition that she was lying.

To put it lightly, I was angry.

How dare he do that to her and barely get punished for it. Is there no justice in this country?
And not only that.. he had the audacity to thank her before he left?

I was disgusted.

I know she doesn't want my pity... she said so herself... she wants me to learn from her experiences and stand up for myself... but that night... being a victim of date rape... her story was gut wrenching, to say the least.

As I walked out of the room, thoughts and questions flew through my mind. I didn't really know how exactly to take everything... then I paused. I settled down a bit, found an area where I could be alone, and continued to process.

God... how badly did your heart break in that moment?

Because mine is extremely achy... but you... you were there.

God... how hard was it to watch someone you love so much be used and abused like that?

The pictures in my head are disturbing enough... how did you do it?

God... what about him?
How hard was it to watch him, who you love just as much as her, try to fill a void in his life with something other than You?
God... how badly did your heart break in that moment not only for her, but for him?

I wonder what his story is. I wonder if he regrets what he did or if he is still trying to please himself with the other women he finds.

God... have either of them truly experienced your healing and abounding love since that night?

If they have... thank you. You deserve so much praise.

If they haven't... oh God, I pray that one day they do.

They deserve it.

Simplicity and My Cottage in the Mountains

I don't know if I've ever enjoyed distance more than I have lately.

For the last week and a half, I've kind of just removed myself mentally from a few things. Actually, from a lot of things. This mental break hasn't consisted of getting away from home, lying on a beach, and reading a magazine or two. Rather, my break has been more of a physical staycation, but mental vacation: a mental vacation to a cottage in the mountains where it is soft, still, and peaceful. It actually works out pretty well, seeing as I've always been more of a mountain girl than a beach girl.

However, the fact that I'm enjoying the stillness is quite strange for me, because I'm an adventure chaser. Throughout the last few years, I've had to be reminded on multiple occasions that alone time is a good thing and rest is needed. Not simply suggested, but needed. I confess to not resting as often as I should, but I'm the type of person who hops on the next train with a partner in crime and heads to a new town in a heartbeat. I love spontaneity. Making a choice because my gut says so tends to thrill me. I feed off other people's energy. Hibernating does absolutely nothing for me. Most of the time I hate being alone. The idea that I may be missing out on something exciting doesn't settle right with me. I do my best to live life with gusto.

...but recently I haven't felt this way at all.

I don't have the desire to travel somewhere exotic anytime soon. Right now I want my life to be more like a forest preserve and less like an amusement park. Just the thought of traveling drains me. Basement stairwells and rocking chairs are my new best friends. I'm rereading my favorite book series I read in middle school. If you know me at all, you know that I really must be seeing life differently lately if I'm reading. I hate reading. I don't think I've ever brought a book with me somewhere "just in case I have down time to read it." But this time around, the silence is needed. I'm truly finding pleasure in the stillness.

My cottage in the mountains is quite nice. Close friends and a couple family members have stopped by for a visit to have deep conversation and to eat food that warms our stomachs. I've been encouraged and blessed by them all, continuing to learn and grow simply by knowing them. God isn't a visitor. I'm actually renting the cottage from Him. My conversations with Him in my room during the afternoon and on the couch right before I head to bed have been the best of them all. During the times I don't have visitors, I play piano (lots of piano), read, pray, write, think, and dance. I'm enjoying every minute of it.

I've needed this break from adventure. And I don't think it'll be ending anytime soon. Before this mental vacation started, I was angry, confused, and overwhelmed. I had so many voices speaking to me that I felt like I was losing my own voice from screaming over them all, rather than closing my mouth, organizing each thought, and deciding what to toss, donate, and keep. This mental escape has reminded me to breathe, relax, and let go. God's encouragement whispers in the wind and His love keeps me warm like a thick, fleece blanket.

It's wonderful, this mental break.

Part of that reason being because I've fallen in love with simplicity. I wish for nothing big right now. I only yearn to take each day at a time, finding success and hope in each one. I need to be investing in the things that nurture my soul regularly. Hourly. Daily. Weekly. Monthly.

I need a blanket and a good movie. I need time at the piano. I need prayer and the Bible. I need car rides with Elisa; lunch with Allie and Kelsey; and Panera with Hannah. I need outside as well as inside. I need family jokes and community TV show watching. I need my car and my bed. I need God's grace. I need Nutella and Pandora. I need to dance and write letters.

These are the things that delight my heart and keep me going. And that's why I don't just want them, but why I need them. They keep my soul alive and my curiosity active. They give me a clear mind and boosted confidence.

So I'm embracing the stillness and not forcing myself to leave my beautiful cottage in the mountains. But when I do leave, when I'm ready for adventure and to rent the new place God has for me, I plan to take simplicity and peace with me.

Fake Strength

We’ve all had those days: the ones where nothing seems to go your way and nothing seems to be falling into place; the ones which cause you to wonder why you’re going through every day motions without feeling a purpose. 

And we’ve all had those nights. You know, the ones that usually follow those days: the nights when you wait for everyone in your house to fall asleep so that you can close the door to your bedroom and cry in your room alone; crawl under your blankets trying to grasp why you continue to feel so empty and weak at the end of the day.

Then, there are those mornings that follow those nights. The ones where you get out of bed, the tear stains gone, and walk out your bedroom door saying “Good morning!” with a smile on your face, so that no one could guess what you just went through the previous night. But you continue that day with a fake smile and attempt to look like your life is going just the way you want it to go.

But see, the thing is, if you look at what the world wants you to do, you’re living correctly. The world and people around you tell you that no matter what you’re going through, you should smack a smile on your face and stay strong. Push through and don’t let those people bother you. Don’t let that girl break your happiness. Don’t cry because he hurt you- you’re better than that. Keep smiling. You’re a strong individual and your happiness is the most important thing.

Then why is it, that when we listen to those voices around us- when we attempt to stay strong and when we fake our smiles- we continue to find ourselves at the end of the day in bed, feeling weaker and sadder than we did that morning?

I don’t know about you, but I think this says something. Something’s not right.

And this is it: their way doesn’t work.

We weren’t made to live our lives faking our emotions. We weren’t made to spend our nights crying in bed. We aren’t supposed to feel throttled with the high expectation of staying strong.

Life has a meaning so much deeper, much freer, than what the world gives us.

Aren’t you tired of not being yourself and not allowing yourself to feel the emotions that you want, and actually need, to feel? You should be tired. Because that’s not the way we should be living.

I think many times we forget how much God loves honesty and brokenness. We forget that when we have a bad day, God doesn’t expect a smile on our face.

God wants to help you. And He will, I promise. I know from experience.

Receiving help will require you to be honest and vulnerable, but it’ll be worth it. And I’m not gonna lie to you and say it’s easy. Actually, it’s difficult and quite terrifying.

However, there is hope.

God loves to slip off our fake smiles, masks, and routines, and see us for who we truly are.

He loves to cover us with peace.

He loves to wipe our tears away and say, “I know life stinks right now.”

He loves to grant us strength when we are weak.

God doesn’t ask us to surrender to Him and go to Him weak, just so He can torture and tease us. He asks us to give up ourselves to help us and give us real strength and peace, the kind that actually makes us feel strong and courageous at the end of the day, the kind that gets us through life with a content, joyful attitude. And through this strength and peace, we discover true freedom and grace.

And with freedom and grace, given to us by an unfailing and compassionate God, we have renewable strength to push through each day.

So my question for you is this: are you willing to surrender your emotionally tiring life?

This is sometimes a question I need to ask myself daily, because masks aren’t strength. Fake smiles aren’t rejuvenating.

I challenge you to find strength, comfort, and true joy in living a life with the peace God so graciously gives. Be honest with yourself, each other, and God, with what may be holding you back from complete surrender.

He’s waiting with open arms, not just to catch the pieces that fall out of your hands, but to catch YOU, a broken and messy individual.

Turn to the Savior and you will experience rest like you never have before, strength like you couldn’t imagine.

The world’s way doesn’t work, but God’s way does.

And I think we all could use a lifetime break from fake smiles and fake strength, in exchange for true strength, true peace, true purpose, and a genuine smile.

Operation: Driven Prayer

Ash Wednesday was a week and a half ago. For me, nothing special happened on that day. It was normal. Why?

To put it simply, I didn't decide to sacrifice anything for lent. I thought about it during the days prior, but I couldn't think of anything that would be worthwhile to surrender. Pathetic? Maybe.

I guess I just didn't want to decide to give something up, then back out half way through. I also didn't know what exactly to sacrifice. Thus, Ash Wednesday came and left and I didn't have a game plan. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a slight bit guilty. My need to control and plan everything in the weeks ahead hindered my ability to surrender just one thing for 6 weeks. However, there was another factor.

For some unknown reason, the idea of giving up something for lent just didn't sit well with me this year. I'm not against the process of sacrificing something during the 6 weeks before Easter. Actually, I applaud the people who sacrifice TV, Facebook, food, or something else to channel more focus towards God. Go team!

However, even though I applaud those sacrificial individuals and don't find their decision wrong, I still didn't feel comfortable with making a sacrifice I wasn't even sure I should make.

Days passed. Lent ensued. Guilt remained. I felt like I needed to do something, but I knew that sacrificing wasn't it. After much thinking, a thought popped in my head...

What if instead of NOT doing something during lent, I DID something? 

Huh. I see you want to switch it up a little bit, self. More thinking commenced, and I eventually concluded to do 2 things during the 4 weeks remaining until Easter. My first goal I'm sadly not talking about here, perhaps I'll write about it on a different post. The second thing, however, is the reason why I'm writing this entry.

With God's probing, I invented a mission. Allow me to introduce you to
Operation: Driven Prayer.

Here are the basics:

• This occurs from now until Easter Sunday, March 31st. That's about 4.5 weeks.
• If I'm driving by myself, I pray. The whole time. Talking. Listening.

Therefore,

• No music. 
• No radio.
• No phone calls. 
• Basically, no audio anything. 

Notes:

• If I'm driving with someone else in my car, I won't make it a designated focused prayer time. However, I still want to stay away from music so that I can have a solid, intentional conversation with whoever is occupying the seats in my car.
• These rules don't apply if I'm a passenger in someone else's car, only if I'm the one driving.

That's about it! I embarked on this adventure a couple days ago and I have to say, it's amazing. I'm already seeing a difference in my heart. This designated prayer time in my car forces me to turn my thoughts and focus towards God.

All this being said, if you drive and find this intriguing, I highly encourage you to join me! Maybe you were like me and wanted to do something for lent, but didn't know what to do. If that's the case, perhaps this is your solution! Maybe you're in the midst of sacrificing something for lent, but would like to add this as well. If that's the case, why not try it? Maybe you didn't even give lent a thought this year until now. If that's the case, I encourage you to give this some thought!

Also, you don't need to follow the exact rules I set for myself. You can adjust it or switch it up a bit if you like to make it work better for you!

I really think God will do some powerful things in the next 4 weeks, and beyond, if we take this challenge seriously. Like I said, I'm only a couple days into this and I'm finding it's worth it. A few people have already joined me in my Operation: Driven Prayer challenge! How cool would it be to know there were individuals, who made the same commitment as you, to pray every time they drove their car? If you join us, you won't be alone!

Well? If you're up for the challenge, then welcome to Operation: Driven Prayer!
May God bless you and use you these next four weeks as you make your car a sanctuary!!!

"The Lord is near to all them that call on him, to all that call on him in truth."Psalm 145:18

If Only

Sometimes it's hard to be comfortable where you are. Especially when you so badly want to be somewhere else.

I'm not talking about the situations you have the power to change and you're just deciding not to. I'm talking about those situations that are out of your control.

Many times I look at my current situation and badly wish I could change it. I'm not content with where I am. I would rather be doing other things. If I had the power to change specific settings or plot lines in my life, there are a couple that wouldn't take more than a second for me to switch.

Nevertheless, even though I do not possess the power to change anything, I start playing the "if only" game.

How many times do we say "If only I could change this aspect of my life" to ourselves?

My guess is a lot. Probably way more often than we even realize. We want our frustration gone, our bitterness to disappear, our sadness to simply leave and never come back. We want other people to see us a different way so that we can get what we want. We want God to change our lives because right now? Our life just isn't fair.

I tend to think I should have a right to control certain parts of my life. I mean, if I could be where I want to be... where THAT person is....man, I'd show them! After the change I'd shout, "Take that, God! I was right all along!"

...But then I look back. I look back at all the times where I would've changed something if I had the power to. All the times where I didn't understand what God was doing.

And it's funny. In retrospect, I wouldn't have changed a darn thing.

I so badly wanted to change my situation in those moments. But looking back, I'm incredibly grateful that I didn't have the power to do so. I could not have imagined all the beauty and growth that would come out of those terribly confusing and frustrating times. If I had received what I wanted, the following would've happened: hindered growth, dissolved patience, and lost lessons. Thankfully, my non-existing power caused me to tough out what I didn't want, and it resulted in this: immense growth, stronger patience, and helpful lessons. Shocker.

Then I transport back to today. Just a few moments ago, I was wishing I had the power to change aspects of my life. I like to think I know what's best for me. However, in the past, what I would've changed would NOT have been what was best for me. Not seeing the end result of both options makes it easy to want the selfishly preferred scenario. This is when I'm glad I don't have life-changing power. When I'm glad my "if only" statements don't actually come true.

Maybe I do want my life the way it is now. Because in the future, I'll look back and be thankful.

It's hard to believe, but it just might be the case.