Listening for Grace

This week was too much and yesterday, I was OVER it.

I was sick with a really bad cold starting on Sunday. My laptop shut down for no reason on Tuesday. I had to bring it in to be repaired Wednesday to Friday, so I couldn't use it. I had an exam Wednesday morning. And yesterday morning I realized that I never turned in an assignment that was due THURSDAY that I completed MONDAY (that's what I get for working ahead), so I had to drive to school to turn it in. Cried on the way. Then cried from school to Best Buy to pick up my laptop.

Super fun, right?

Ugh. I was so over it. I came home, walked into my room, and put all my stuff down. "OK GOD I GIVE UP," went through my head. "I tried this week without you and pushed through as hard as I could and it's NOT WORKING." I needed to slow down. I grabbed my Bible, sat on my bed, and read some Psalms and Philippians 4 out loud. Stopping for a few moments. Sitting in stillness after a rough week. Hearing the words, and reminding myself to believe the truth that God is full of grace and second chances. He deserves to be praised for his steadfast love in the morning and his faithfulness at night. But I wasn't believing those things this week. Because if I was, I would've been leaning into Him more and more the weaker I got. Instead, I tried to barrel through on my own.

I guess you could say I made it through pretty well, considering the circumstances. I mean, I pushed through to Saturday. I made sure I was sleeping. I was takin' ALL the vitamins, Emergen-C, and NyQuil, and throwing extra garlic in everything. I fought each day to get homework done and turn things in, and only forgot one. Not too bad since I was swimming in crazy, I guess, but that's not really the point.

The point isn't that I barely made it through, but I still made it through. The point is that I could've made it through with a lot more peace than I did, if only I had looked to God for strength and grace instead of myself. Because let me tell you, there was very little grace and strength coming from my end. I was groggy from sickness and flustered on the inside trying to keep up with everything. My mind was everywhere. I was so distracted and wanted to be in bed and was constantly checking my planner, making sure I was completing everything. I spent each day hoping I was making the right decision on when to call it quits and when to keep going. It was all about me, and if I was going to win the battle against the week. I was relying on my own strength, my own abilities. And I flopped. But if I had kept my eyes on my Father, I would've been continually reminded of the grace He showers over me. 

Because that's what He does. He knows I can't hold everything together during a crazy week. He knows that I can't live to a standard of perfection on good weeks, much less on weeks I'm sick and losing it. He wants to remind me that He's got everything under control and there is no need for me to be worried.

If only I had stopped to listen. 

Because the second I did yesterday, there He was. It was like He was saying, "You know I'm gonna meet you with grace, right? That's all I've been trying to get you to see this week." 

He was giving me the permission I needed to screw up. And He was giving me grace.

I realized that on Friday. But see, He was ready to remind me of the truth on Monday. On Tuesday. On Wednesday. On Thursday.

If only I had stopped to listen.

I would've saved myself a lot of stress earlier in the week if I simply inclined my ear to the Father's grace and love for me. Not saying my week still wouldn't have been rough. It would have been. But there also would've been more peace in the mess.

Maybe you've had a crazy week and need to be reminded of grace too.

Well here I am. With my story. Telling you that you also get all kinds of grace for not keeping up with life this week.

Life asks too much of us sometimes. That's why God wants you to hand all of your craziness over to Him. He's got it. He's got you. Do your best, but don't try to do it alone.

Grace is yours, friend. You must simply stop to listen.

When God's [not] out to get you

Recently, it's felt like God's out to get me.

I know that's not actually true, but there's a significant difference between what you know in your head to be true and what you're actually feeling.

Yesterday at church, worship had a theme of rejoicing. It was good for me to be forced into a position of praise and celebration because my heart hasn't been going there lately. If I sing the words, I thought, maybe I'll actually believe them. It was good for me, but afterward, my heart felt heavy again. This being said, I wasn't in a good place when I got back to my apartment. I tried to talk it out a bit to myself, when a part of me whispered, "You know God's not out to get you, right?" 

You know, self, I'm having a hard time believing that right now. And in that moment yesterday, I definitely didn't believe it.

-----------------------------------------

To be brutally honest, I don't like college. I really, really don't.

It's hard to live every day in a place where I don't feel normal, where I continually feel like the odd one out, like I want a life everyone else doesn't seem to want. The way I'm wired and the things that give me life aren't found in a college setting. While many like the campus club meetings and the parties and the events and the hype and the meeting new people all the time, I don't. I hear friends and other students talk about how they're terrified of real life, but me? Bring it on. Bring on rent and bills and real neighbors and walks around the neighborhood and legit community investment and different ages and demographics of people and not being confined to campus and not having to rely on my parents' income. (remind me that at one point I wanted to pay bills if I ever complain about them)

Thus, because of these things and more specific events and stories not listed, the last 2.5 years of my life have been a struggle. Every day feels like a battle. Every day I get up and face the loneliness and the confusion and the discomfort. And I wonder if it's ever going to end.

 

On the first of this year, I made a commitment that I would say yes to Jesus anyway. That even in the struggle, even in the discomfort, even in my not-ideal life, I would say yes. I would seek Him and love Him and serve Him anyway. That day was a hard one filled with a lot of tears as I was feeling the weight of what saying yes meant, but I knew it's what I wanted. By God's grace, I actually ended up having a solid and good first few weeks back to school, but recently, the hard days have been becoming more common again. Feeling like the odd one out and being reminded I don't want what other people want has been thrown in my face a lot lately. And I'm really tired of fighting. I'm tired of not being where I want to be. I'm tired of being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.

I was talking with a friend yesterday in the midst of my frustration and she said how she admires and notices how I've been saying yes to Jesus and taking blow after blow after blow. I needed her validation and encouragement, and I don't think she could have described what my life has felt like the last 2.5 years any better. It feels like even when I say yes, God's giving me blow after blow and seeing how long I last.

Will I ever get what I want, Jesus? Will I ever catch a break? Will I?

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you're in a similar place to where I'm at right now. Maybe you feel like you're saying yes to Jesus and receiving blow after blow after blow and never catching a break. Maybe you feel like you're crazy for deciding to say yes to this Jesus who wrecks your heart and puts you in uncomfortable places. Maybe you question if the fight is actually worth it.

If you can relate, I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. I'm here to tell you that it does suck and that it's completely ok to feel that way. I'm here to tell you that yes, you are crazy for deciding to say yes to Jesus no matter what. But I'm also here to tell you that yes, it is worth it. Yes, you will be rewarded. Yes, there is victory at the end of it all, even when it feels like you are hard-core losing.

Friend, I encourage you to keep fighting. Because somewhere deep down in your heart, under all the exhaustion and pain, you really do believe He's worth it. You wouldn't keep fighting otherwise, right?

Keep reminding yourself why it's worth it, why He's worth it. Remind yourself that the other option is far worse. That the other option is turning away from His beauty and grace and love, and that's too much to give up, even in the pain. Put the real truth of who He is on repeat. No matter how much it feels like it, there isn't a target on your back. He simply has some purpose to this that our tiny human minds can't see or comprehend. He really does love you. He really does want the best for you.

And know that I'm not writing these things because I have a perfect perspective all the time and because it's easy to believe and remember the truth. None of that is the case. I'm writing these things because sometimes it's easier to believe the truth when you tell it to other people, because it can be easier to believe the truth when you hear it from someone else, and because I've noticed that if I don't remind myself of the truth, the fight is harder. I'm simply hoping "practice makes permanent" works in this case.

So press on, warrior. The battle wages, but He's not out to get you. 

The fight is worth it. He is worth it.

But so is your body.

I think in the midst of emphasizing inward beauty in an outward beauty culture, we’ve unintentionally started believing a lie:

Our outward beauty doesn’t matter.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a full supporter of acknowledging a person’s character and strengths before their looks. I’m really glad the focus on those things have increased, and I don’t think we should stop. However, I think we may be getting slightly carried away in the process, to the point of believing our physical bodies aren’t worth acknowledging.

I understand the purpose of saying “it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, but I think we need to be careful that that’s not the only thing we’re counting as valid. Yes, character is more important. Stopping to help someone has a larger effect on the world than what you decided to wear this morning, and standing up for yourself says a lot more about you than the lipstick color that’s on those lips of yours. But we can’t focus on this so much to the point of forgetting a key point.

God didn’t mess up the outside of you. Not one bit.

God didn’t put delicate thought into your soul then decide to just throw scraps together to create something to hold it. He put delicate thought into your soul, as well as your body. He didn’t forget about that part of you. He knew exactly what He was making.

Your intelligence is remarkable, but so is your shape.

Your bravery is striking, but so is your hair.

Your compassion is breathtaking, but so are your eyes.

Your strengths are beautiful, but so is your body. So is your body.

God knew His artwork wouldn’t become the standard of beauty in this world. He also knew that your hair would frizz and that you would break out. It’s part of life. It’s part of living on Earth. It’s part of having a body. But all those things don’t mean He screwed you up.

The God who created you is a perfect artist, and He never creates anything not worth presenting with a blue ribbon. And don’t think that God went all Picasso on you- like you’re a confusing piece of art that only “special people” see the real beauty in. God didn’t stop molding you until you were exactly how He wanted you. You were not forgotten in the workshop. You were not rushed to the show before you were finished. You were not a clearance item. Unlike we often believe, God didn’t waste His time on you. Your body didn’t just come to be without God knowing. If you believe that God is perfect, then you believe He does perfect work, and that counts for your body too. He knew full well what you would look like, and He called you beautiful.

Now, I don’t say these things so that we go back to only praising our bodies instead of our character and our strengths. I just think we need to be careful to not forget that our bodies weren’t a mistake.

So the next time you feel physically insecure and you or someone else immediately responds with reminding yourself of your lovely soul, I want you to take in what they said and dwell on it. But then I want you to look at yourself in a mirror. And I want you to look at your physical body, the parts you hate and the parts you don’t, and I want you to repeat to yourself:

My body is beautiful. My body is beautiful. My body is beautiful.

Because it is. And you deserve to believe it.

I'm so not about that shaming life.

Since when did shame become a thing?

I don't know the answer, but what I can tell you right now is this:

This girl? Not a fan. I'm so not about that shaming life.

Shame is suffocating. Harmful. Draining. It takes life away. It causes us to beat on ourselves more than we already do. So why do we make it a thing?

Years of going to youth group at church, being a leader there, and having Christian friends led me to many conversations where I talked with girl after girl about their whereabouts with guys who have come in and out of their lives. Boys are a normal topic for girls as we all know, and we can jokingly talk about them easily. But what about the deep stuff? Like our sexual desires and temptations? Can we talk about those things?

I've noticed that as much as we need to talk about those things, there really isn't a place for us to do so. Talking with peers and knowing myself, I've seen a scary thought pattern occur because of lessons young women have been taught growing up in the church. We've been encouraged to save sex until marriage, which is Biblical and I support that 100%. I don't think we should ever stop supporting that. But sometimes we put such an emphasis on sex, that we don't talk about our struggles that aren't specifically sex in and of itself. Can wanting to have sex before you're married be a struggle? Absolutely, which is why I think it's important to talk about. However, even though this is important, what about the struggles that don't involve going that far? What about physical intimacy before sex? When we have the sexual purity talk and the guys and girls get split up, why does the pornography topic start and end with the guys? Why is masturbation not talked about? These are the rough topics that seem to escape the church auditorium or gym and become taboo conversation.

I've been a witness and a participator in these topics that are hushed and pushed to the side. While talking with girls I've led or peers about sexual struggles in their lives, a handful of them have looked at me right before sharing their story and said "I've never told anybody about this before." Girls have written me letters to read because they couldn't say their struggle out loud. As this has happened, I've been realizing girls keep a whole lot of secrets when it comes to their relationships with guys and/or their sexual life. Many girls keep their thoughts and actions secrets. Sometimes it takes months, or even years, before they're willing or comfortable enough to share it with somebody. They act like they'll be condemned and rejected once they share. After talking with them, they usually say something to the effect of "I was nervous to share because I thought you'd think I was a horrible person." Why is this?

Well, when grace isn't talked about but the perfect standard is, any action or thought that is below the standard feels scary and dirty. When we constantly talk about the standard of sexual purity and not enough about the grace we're given when we don't meet the standard, we assume grace won't be given at all if we fall short. So we feel like a failure. And right there is where shame enters and dwells.

We live in a culture that is screaming at us to do anything and everything sexual that our heart desires. They sing the praises of those who have sex as often as they like, no matter what their relationship status. Pornography is considered normal. Sex scenes are a part of pretty much any rated R movie, even if it has nothing to do with the plot line. We make instant gratification a lifestyle while our self control slowly goes down the drain. Sexual actions and thoughts? They feel good. If they didn't, our culture wouldn't be encouraging us to do it. And because it feels good, it's a whole lot harder to stay away from it when we should. Temptation becomes greater and greater, especially when we start exposing ourselves to more and more of it.

Why then, when we live in a culture that makes sexual sin so accessible and easy to fall into, are we shaming it more than other areas of sin? Shouldn't we be pouring grace even more so into this area because it's such a struggle? Simply because someone is trying to follow the Lord, doesn't mean they'll easily keep the standard of sexual purity, or any standard for that matter. All of the standards God sets are hard to meet, because we fall short. Following Jesus is a process. Learning to live a life honoring to Him is difficult. Not only do *we* know this endeavor is hard, but *He* knows this. And because He knows this, He gives us grace during the journey. Therefore, we should also give grace to each other during the journey.

As a church who's supposed to have the words redemption and forgiveness in neon lights on the top of their building, we don't do a great job applying those words when it comes to sexual sin. Am I trying to make excuses for those who sin in that way? Not at all. It is a problem. But individuals won't start talking about their problems if we don't show them hope. If we don't show them that they can change their actions and move forward with a community who is supporting them, rather than shaming them.

We're sinners and that's a fact. We're sinners who are greatly in need of Jesus and His forgiveness. And Jesus pours out his forgiveness and grace onto those who struggle with sexual sin just as much as he does those who don't struggle with it. And that includes you, girls. That most definitely includes you.

What would happen, let's say, if we could talk with other girls and women about their sexual desires and/or struggles without pointing fingers and shaming them? What would happen if we talked about the topics of sex, pornography, and masturbation like they weren't just an issue only guys struggle with? What would happen if we as women had each other's backs for once, rather than competing and playing the comparison game, and reminded each other of who we are in Christ?

I'd like to think we'd experience more freedom in our lives.

God's not about that shaming life, and I'm not either. Will you be?

If you're not, then let's talk about the hard stuff. It'll be shaky and scary and hard, but the more we talk, the less burdened we'll be by our secrets. And when we talk about the hard stuff, let's throw shame out the window and talk about grace.

Let's be people who hand out forgiveness and redemption like it's free, because it is.

God... how badly did your heart break?

I couldn't move.

As she continued, the knots inside me got tighter. My body was numb.

She said he was on top of her. She could hardly breathe. Yes, she liked him, but she gave no consent. Over and over again she said no, but he didn't listen. She laid there helpless on the floor in her own dorm room while he greedily stripped from her what she wanted to hold longer.

Thankfully, she had enough courage to report what happened after a few days.

His punishment? He wasn't allowed to go into her dorm for a semester.

What happened months later? Two thousand people signed a petition that she was lying.

To put it lightly, I was angry.

How dare he do that to her and barely get punished for it. Is there no justice in this country?
And not only that.. he had the audacity to thank her before he left?

I was disgusted.

I know she doesn't want my pity... she said so herself... she wants me to learn from her experiences and stand up for myself... but that night... being a victim of date rape... her story was gut wrenching, to say the least.

As I walked out of the room, thoughts and questions flew through my mind. I didn't really know how exactly to take everything... then I paused. I settled down a bit, found an area where I could be alone, and continued to process.

God... how badly did your heart break in that moment?

Because mine is extremely achy... but you... you were there.

God... how hard was it to watch someone you love so much be used and abused like that?

The pictures in my head are disturbing enough... how did you do it?

God... what about him?
How hard was it to watch him, who you love just as much as her, try to fill a void in his life with something other than You?
God... how badly did your heart break in that moment not only for her, but for him?

I wonder what his story is. I wonder if he regrets what he did or if he is still trying to please himself with the other women he finds.

God... have either of them truly experienced your healing and abounding love since that night?

If they have... thank you. You deserve so much praise.

If they haven't... oh God, I pray that one day they do.

They deserve it.

Simplicity and My Cottage in the Mountains

I don't know if I've ever enjoyed distance more than I have lately.

For the last week and a half, I've kind of just removed myself mentally from a few things. Actually, from a lot of things. This mental break hasn't consisted of getting away from home, lying on a beach, and reading a magazine or two. Rather, my break has been more of a physical staycation, but mental vacation: a mental vacation to a cottage in the mountains where it is soft, still, and peaceful. It actually works out pretty well, seeing as I've always been more of a mountain girl than a beach girl.

However, the fact that I'm enjoying the stillness is quite strange for me, because I'm an adventure chaser. Throughout the last few years, I've had to be reminded on multiple occasions that alone time is a good thing and rest is needed. Not simply suggested, but needed. I confess to not resting as often as I should, but I'm the type of person who hops on the next train with a partner in crime and heads to a new town in a heartbeat. I love spontaneity. Making a choice because my gut says so tends to thrill me. I feed off other people's energy. Hibernating does absolutely nothing for me. Most of the time I hate being alone. The idea that I may be missing out on something exciting doesn't settle right with me. I do my best to live life with gusto.

...but recently I haven't felt this way at all.

I don't have the desire to travel somewhere exotic anytime soon. Right now I want my life to be more like a forest preserve and less like an amusement park. Just the thought of traveling drains me. Basement stairwells and rocking chairs are my new best friends. I'm rereading my favorite book series I read in middle school. If you know me at all, you know that I really must be seeing life differently lately if I'm reading. I hate reading. I don't think I've ever brought a book with me somewhere "just in case I have down time to read it." But this time around, the silence is needed. I'm truly finding pleasure in the stillness.

My cottage in the mountains is quite nice. Close friends and a couple family members have stopped by for a visit to have deep conversation and to eat food that warms our stomachs. I've been encouraged and blessed by them all, continuing to learn and grow simply by knowing them. God isn't a visitor. I'm actually renting the cottage from Him. My conversations with Him in my room during the afternoon and on the couch right before I head to bed have been the best of them all. During the times I don't have visitors, I play piano (lots of piano), read, pray, write, think, and dance. I'm enjoying every minute of it.

I've needed this break from adventure. And I don't think it'll be ending anytime soon. Before this mental vacation started, I was angry, confused, and overwhelmed. I had so many voices speaking to me that I felt like I was losing my own voice from screaming over them all, rather than closing my mouth, organizing each thought, and deciding what to toss, donate, and keep. This mental escape has reminded me to breathe, relax, and let go. God's encouragement whispers in the wind and His love keeps me warm like a thick, fleece blanket.

It's wonderful, this mental break.

Part of that reason being because I've fallen in love with simplicity. I wish for nothing big right now. I only yearn to take each day at a time, finding success and hope in each one. I need to be investing in the things that nurture my soul regularly. Hourly. Daily. Weekly. Monthly.

I need a blanket and a good movie. I need time at the piano. I need prayer and the Bible. I need car rides with Elisa; lunch with Allie and Kelsey; and Panera with Hannah. I need outside as well as inside. I need family jokes and community TV show watching. I need my car and my bed. I need God's grace. I need Nutella and Pandora. I need to dance and write letters.

These are the things that delight my heart and keep me going. And that's why I don't just want them, but why I need them. They keep my soul alive and my curiosity active. They give me a clear mind and boosted confidence.

So I'm embracing the stillness and not forcing myself to leave my beautiful cottage in the mountains. But when I do leave, when I'm ready for adventure and to rent the new place God has for me, I plan to take simplicity and peace with me.

Fake Strength

We’ve all had those days: the ones where nothing seems to go your way and nothing seems to be falling into place; the ones which cause you to wonder why you’re going through every day motions without feeling a purpose. 

And we’ve all had those nights. You know, the ones that usually follow those days: the nights when you wait for everyone in your house to fall asleep so that you can close the door to your bedroom and cry in your room alone; crawl under your blankets trying to grasp why you continue to feel so empty and weak at the end of the day.

Then, there are those mornings that follow those nights. The ones where you get out of bed, the tear stains gone, and walk out your bedroom door saying “Good morning!” with a smile on your face, so that no one could guess what you just went through the previous night. But you continue that day with a fake smile and attempt to look like your life is going just the way you want it to go.

But see, the thing is, if you look at what the world wants you to do, you’re living correctly. The world and people around you tell you that no matter what you’re going through, you should smack a smile on your face and stay strong. Push through and don’t let those people bother you. Don’t let that girl break your happiness. Don’t cry because he hurt you- you’re better than that. Keep smiling. You’re a strong individual and your happiness is the most important thing.

Then why is it, that when we listen to those voices around us- when we attempt to stay strong and when we fake our smiles- we continue to find ourselves at the end of the day in bed, feeling weaker and sadder than we did that morning?

I don’t know about you, but I think this says something. Something’s not right.

And this is it: their way doesn’t work.

We weren’t made to live our lives faking our emotions. We weren’t made to spend our nights crying in bed. We aren’t supposed to feel throttled with the high expectation of staying strong.

Life has a meaning so much deeper, much freer, than what the world gives us.

Aren’t you tired of not being yourself and not allowing yourself to feel the emotions that you want, and actually need, to feel? You should be tired. Because that’s not the way we should be living.

I think many times we forget how much God loves honesty and brokenness. We forget that when we have a bad day, God doesn’t expect a smile on our face.

God wants to help you. And He will, I promise. I know from experience.

Receiving help will require you to be honest and vulnerable, but it’ll be worth it. And I’m not gonna lie to you and say it’s easy. Actually, it’s difficult and quite terrifying.

However, there is hope.

God loves to slip off our fake smiles, masks, and routines, and see us for who we truly are.

He loves to cover us with peace.

He loves to wipe our tears away and say, “I know life stinks right now.”

He loves to grant us strength when we are weak.

God doesn’t ask us to surrender to Him and go to Him weak, just so He can torture and tease us. He asks us to give up ourselves to help us and give us real strength and peace, the kind that actually makes us feel strong and courageous at the end of the day, the kind that gets us through life with a content, joyful attitude. And through this strength and peace, we discover true freedom and grace.

And with freedom and grace, given to us by an unfailing and compassionate God, we have renewable strength to push through each day.

So my question for you is this: are you willing to surrender your emotionally tiring life?

This is sometimes a question I need to ask myself daily, because masks aren’t strength. Fake smiles aren’t rejuvenating.

I challenge you to find strength, comfort, and true joy in living a life with the peace God so graciously gives. Be honest with yourself, each other, and God, with what may be holding you back from complete surrender.

He’s waiting with open arms, not just to catch the pieces that fall out of your hands, but to catch YOU, a broken and messy individual.

Turn to the Savior and you will experience rest like you never have before, strength like you couldn’t imagine.

The world’s way doesn’t work, but God’s way does.

And I think we all could use a lifetime break from fake smiles and fake strength, in exchange for true strength, true peace, true purpose, and a genuine smile.