I'm so not about that shaming life.

Since when did shame become a thing?

I don't know the answer, but what I can tell you right now is this:

This girl? Not a fan. I'm so not about that shaming life.

Shame is suffocating. Harmful. Draining. It takes life away. It causes us to beat on ourselves more than we already do. So why do we make it a thing?

Years of going to youth group at church, being a leader there, and having Christian friends led me to many conversations where I talked with girl after girl about their whereabouts with guys who have come in and out of their lives. Boys are a normal topic for girls as we all know, and we can jokingly talk about them easily. But what about the deep stuff? Like our sexual desires and temptations? Can we talk about those things?

I've noticed that as much as we need to talk about those things, there really isn't a place for us to do so. Talking with peers and knowing myself, I've seen a scary thought pattern occur because of lessons young women have been taught growing up in the church. We've been encouraged to save sex until marriage, which is Biblical and I support that 100%. I don't think we should ever stop supporting that. But sometimes we put such an emphasis on sex, that we don't talk about our struggles that aren't specifically sex in and of itself. Can wanting to have sex before you're married be a struggle? Absolutely, which is why I think it's important to talk about. However, even though this is important, what about the struggles that don't involve going that far? What about physical intimacy before sex? When we have the sexual purity talk and the guys and girls get split up, why does the pornography topic start and end with the guys? Why is masturbation not talked about? These are the rough topics that seem to escape the church auditorium or gym and become taboo conversation.

I've been a witness and a participator in these topics that are hushed and pushed to the side. While talking with girls I've led or peers about sexual struggles in their lives, a handful of them have looked at me right before sharing their story and said "I've never told anybody about this before." Girls have written me letters to read because they couldn't say their struggle out loud. As this has happened, I've been realizing girls keep a whole lot of secrets when it comes to their relationships with guys and/or their sexual life. Many girls keep their thoughts and actions secrets. Sometimes it takes months, or even years, before they're willing or comfortable enough to share it with somebody. They act like they'll be condemned and rejected once they share. After talking with them, they usually say something to the effect of "I was nervous to share because I thought you'd think I was a horrible person." Why is this?

Well, when grace isn't talked about but the perfect standard is, any action or thought that is below the standard feels scary and dirty. When we constantly talk about the standard of sexual purity and not enough about the grace we're given when we don't meet the standard, we assume grace won't be given at all if we fall short. So we feel like a failure. And right there is where shame enters and dwells.

We live in a culture that is screaming at us to do anything and everything sexual that our heart desires. They sing the praises of those who have sex as often as they like, no matter what their relationship status. Pornography is considered normal. Sex scenes are a part of pretty much any rated R movie, even if it has nothing to do with the plot line. We make instant gratification a lifestyle while our self control slowly goes down the drain. Sexual actions and thoughts? They feel good. If they didn't, our culture wouldn't be encouraging us to do it. And because it feels good, it's a whole lot harder to stay away from it when we should. Temptation becomes greater and greater, especially when we start exposing ourselves to more and more of it.

Why then, when we live in a culture that makes sexual sin so accessible and easy to fall into, are we shaming it more than other areas of sin? Shouldn't we be pouring grace even more so into this area because it's such a struggle? Simply because someone is trying to follow the Lord, doesn't mean they'll easily keep the standard of sexual purity, or any standard for that matter. All of the standards God sets are hard to meet, because we fall short. Following Jesus is a process. Learning to live a life honoring to Him is difficult. Not only do *we* know this endeavor is hard, but *He* knows this. And because He knows this, He gives us grace during the journey. Therefore, we should also give grace to each other during the journey.

As a church who's supposed to have the words redemption and forgiveness in neon lights on the top of their building, we don't do a great job applying those words when it comes to sexual sin. Am I trying to make excuses for those who sin in that way? Not at all. It is a problem. But individuals won't start talking about their problems if we don't show them hope. If we don't show them that they can change their actions and move forward with a community who is supporting them, rather than shaming them.

We're sinners and that's a fact. We're sinners who are greatly in need of Jesus and His forgiveness. And Jesus pours out his forgiveness and grace onto those who struggle with sexual sin just as much as he does those who don't struggle with it. And that includes you, girls. That most definitely includes you.

What would happen, let's say, if we could talk with other girls and women about their sexual desires and/or struggles without pointing fingers and shaming them? What would happen if we talked about the topics of sex, pornography, and masturbation like they weren't just an issue only guys struggle with? What would happen if we as women had each other's backs for once, rather than competing and playing the comparison game, and reminded each other of who we are in Christ?

I'd like to think we'd experience more freedom in our lives.

God's not about that shaming life, and I'm not either. Will you be?

If you're not, then let's talk about the hard stuff. It'll be shaky and scary and hard, but the more we talk, the less burdened we'll be by our secrets. And when we talk about the hard stuff, let's throw shame out the window and talk about grace.

Let's be people who hand out forgiveness and redemption like it's free, because it is.