Recently, it's felt like God's out to get me.
I know that's not actually true, but there's a significant difference between what you know in your head to be true and what you're actually feeling.
Yesterday at church, worship had a theme of rejoicing. It was good for me to be forced into a position of praise and celebration because my heart hasn't been going there lately. If I sing the words, I thought, maybe I'll actually believe them. It was good for me, but afterward, my heart felt heavy again. This being said, I wasn't in a good place when I got back to my apartment. I tried to talk it out a bit to myself, when a part of me whispered, "You know God's not out to get you, right?"
You know, self, I'm having a hard time believing that right now. And in that moment yesterday, I definitely didn't believe it.
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It's hard to live every day in a place where I don't feel normal, where I continually feel like the odd one out, like I want a life everyone else doesn't seem to want. The way I'm wired and the things that give me life aren't found in a college setting. While many like the campus club meetings and the parties and the events and the hype and the meeting new people all the time, I don't. I hear friends and other students talk about how they're terrified of real life, but me? Bring it on. Bring on rent and bills and real neighbors and walks around the neighborhood and legit community investment and different ages and demographics of people and not being confined to campus and not having to rely on my parents' income. (remind me that at one point I wanted to pay bills if I ever complain about them)
Thus, because of these things and more specific events and stories not listed, the last 2.5 years of my life have been a struggle. Every day feels like a battle. Every day I get up and face the loneliness and the confusion and the discomfort. And I wonder if it's ever going to end.
On the first of this year, I made a commitment that I would say yes to Jesus anyway. That even in the struggle, even in the discomfort, even in my not-ideal life, I would say yes. I would seek Him and love Him and serve Him anyway. That day was a hard one filled with a lot of tears as I was feeling the weight of what saying yes meant, but I knew it's what I wanted. By God's grace, I actually ended up having a solid and good first few weeks back to school, but recently, the hard days have been becoming more common again. Feeling like the odd one out and being reminded I don't want what other people want has been thrown in my face a lot lately. And I'm really tired of fighting. I'm tired of not being where I want to be. I'm tired of being mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.
I was talking with a friend yesterday in the midst of my frustration and she said how she admires and notices how I've been saying yes to Jesus and taking blow after blow after blow. I needed her validation and encouragement, and I don't think she could have described what my life has felt like the last 2.5 years any better. It feels like even when I say yes, God's giving me blow after blow and seeing how long I last.
Will I ever get what I want, Jesus? Will I ever catch a break? Will I?
Maybe you can relate. Maybe you're in a similar place to where I'm at right now. Maybe you feel like you're saying yes to Jesus and receiving blow after blow after blow and never catching a break. Maybe you feel like you're crazy for deciding to say yes to this Jesus who wrecks your heart and puts you in uncomfortable places. Maybe you question if the fight is actually worth it.
If you can relate, I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. I'm here to tell you that it does suck and that it's completely ok to feel that way. I'm here to tell you that yes, you are crazy for deciding to say yes to Jesus no matter what. But I'm also here to tell you that yes, it is worth it. Yes, you will be rewarded. Yes, there is victory at the end of it all, even when it feels like you are hard-core losing.
Friend, I encourage you to keep fighting. Because somewhere deep down in your heart, under all the exhaustion and pain, you really do believe He's worth it. You wouldn't keep fighting otherwise, right?
Keep reminding yourself why it's worth it, why He's worth it. Remind yourself that the other option is far worse. That the other option is turning away from His beauty and grace and love, and that's too much to give up, even in the pain. Put the real truth of who He is on repeat. No matter how much it feels like it, there isn't a target on your back. He simply has some purpose to this that our tiny human minds can't see or comprehend. He really does love you. He really does want the best for you.
And know that I'm not writing these things because I have a perfect perspective all the time and because it's easy to believe and remember the truth. None of that is the case. I'm writing these things because sometimes it's easier to believe the truth when you tell it to other people, because it can be easier to believe the truth when you hear it from someone else, and because I've noticed that if I don't remind myself of the truth, the fight is harder. I'm simply hoping "practice makes permanent" works in this case.
So press on, warrior. The battle wages, but He's not out to get you.
The fight is worth it. He is worth it.
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